SO, YOU THINK YOU WANT TO DATE ME...
hUGS WILL BE CONSIDERED
ON A CASE-BY-CASE BASIS
As a way to manage the overwhelming numbers of gentleman callers, here is the submission process for all interested parties:
Proof of immunizations, including rabies and distemper.
Proof of marital status. Divorce decree must be at least two years old.
Photo, no selfies in the mirror, PLEASE no dick pics. Ask your mother to take the picture. She's right upstairs in the main house.
Provide a 500-word essay on why I should let you touch me.
Submit all materials to email@example.com. A panel of Judges will be reviewing all submissions.
Thank you for your interest.